Real Talk

The Hardest Part…

I am often asked by the most well-meaning of people ‘was it hard to seperate your family’…and the short answer is yes, even though it was the right thing to do, it was hard… but by no means was that the hardest part.

Now, I for one was raised in a nuclear family…the most fantastic kind. My mum and dad met at school camp when they were 15 and are, over 40 years down the track, still together and happy. None of my friends come from separated families so I had no idea at all what that was like or to even witness it second-hand.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a single mother.

Now Maya’s Dad and I co-parent and we do it very well. I know the relationship between them is important and respect their bond and it’s significance in her life and his. And he is a damn good dad.
He and I still have our differences, for sure. We have good days and bad. But for the most part, we kick the issues between the two of us and just try to be the best parents we can be. After a million too many fights, tears and heartache, I know we’d love to just put the chapter behind us and move on. But we can’t…we HAVE to get along… and that is bloody hard…  but again let me stress, it’s hard, but not the hardest part.

‘Doing it alone’ doesn’t scare me at all…in fact, it is so beautiful having someone who needs you and your love as much as a baby does…and yes you’re tired some days and it can be hard to be on at all times…but it isn’t by any means the hardest part.

The hardest part is knowing my beautiful little girl will spend every second weekend making memories I am not a part of…

The hardest part is knowing that every Christmas and birthday will be settling on the ‘fair’ choice instead of spending a whole day making memories and having fun…

The hardest part is seeing my brothers and knowing Maya will never have a blood sibling…

The hardest part is knowing that someday, he will meet someone else whom she will view similarly to a ‘mum’ role…and what if she is cooler, funnier, smarter, prettier or kinder than me?

The hardest part is trying to busy yourself when baby is gone…or putting away her things knowing she won’t be using them for a day or two…

The hardest part is thinking of her, wondering where her mummy is before bed, when she is just too young to understand why I can’t be there to tuck her in every night…

The hardest part is division. That is the hardest part.

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