Now as much as I love to sing a little Doris Day, I am a far cry from a New Year revolutionist. In fact, quite frankly I think they are like starting a diet on a Monday : impeccably poorly timed and doomed to fail.
So rather than set a bunch of arbitrary ‘eat less shit’ & ‘be grateful for what you have, you sassy minx’ goals for myself, let’s talk the lessons from 2017 that will be a bit of a compass for 2018. I feel that is this is the only way this post, that has been on my heart for a while, will be in any way poignant.
Fear a Lot Less…
Starting this year, I was afraid of my relationship not working out…I was afraid of my child being fucked up from being in a separated family and simultaneously TERRIFIED of her growing up thinking that what her father and I had between us was love…so I picked the lesser of two evils.
I was afraid the man I was with wasn’t the one…and he wasn’t. So got myself and my baby out…Still breathing.
When Maya was first born, I was afraid of leaving the house after 5pm in fear of her not sleeping…but they never really sleep anyway so what was I even worried about? (sleep deprived, but still alive…)
I was afraid of judgement as a single mother… (actually, dafuq at this point)
And I was afraid of who I would become as a single mother…and even moreover, an active co-parent-er.
Spoiler alert : I am alive. My lungs still work. my heart still beats. I am the happiest I have been in 28 years. I have a proactive relationship with Maya’s father that often ends in a coffee to talk about the intricate detail of single parenting…sometimes a fight, sometimes a laugh. It’s all good. I have love in my life beyond that which I have ever known…sure it’s not the romantic kind, but it is the purest of loves no less.
I have cried more tears than I have ever cried in my life in ye old 2017…but in turn, I have smiled harder and appreciated the good so much more than I have ever wallowed in the rubbish…nothing has killed me yet.
So my swan song is : You are a thicker-skinned motherfucker than you ever knew you were, remember that.
Eloquent, as always 😉
Not Everyone is Like You…and That is A-Ok.
I love people. I love talking to them, getting to know them, learn their deepest, darkest secrets and incomparable zest for their passions.
I love hearing your most embarrassing tale, your vainest moment….tell me about that scar your have, the tattoo on your hip and your guiltiest pleasure. This is the shit I love and the shit that makes me fall in love with you…on any level!
Maybe, that is why I did my psychology degree (the whole 7 years of it).
Maybe this is why I love too hard?
Maybe this is why I fall for the imperfections, while most I have met fall for my (non-existent, like I kid you not, they must have made them up) perfections? WHO KNOWS. But I will never change that, because I love your baggage. It made you..you. And I love that.
My point to myself here is, not everyone is thinking the same way…and that is cool. Whatever sets your soul on fire.
What I learned this year, is that I am 100% down with all the shit I come along with and make no apologies for it. Some people *guys* couldn’t give a flying fruitcake beyond the outer layers *AHEM* and I can’t change that. The difference being, that I want people around me who give a shit about that.
I will always believe that your past made you. So if you have a little debauchery, a little hurdle…show me yours and I’ll show you mine sans the judgement. You’re safe, I promise…and that is the way to my heart.
You’re not the only one with sh*t going down..
Jesus Christ, how un-special we actually are in this sense. It might not be the works of a novel, but EVERYONE has shit going on. Lean on a friend, drink yourself stupid…whatever. But you’re never alone. There is always a bigger fish. Find your school and learn from them…and for the love of god, be there for them too.
You get it, enough fish analogies.
People will do whatever they want…
Be it your co-work taking credit for your work, be it your friend making 5 mins when they don’t have one to spare, be it someone you’re seeing sending you a text to catch up again, be it yourself making the first contact after a date…people will go after things they want. Aint nothing we humans hate more than what we can’t have.
If you want to, you will go to the ends of the Earth to. End of story.
So stop waiting for that text, stop making an excuse every time you wanted to text and didn’t. If you want to, you would have.
You Got This…
Like every new parent, I was sent home with a tiny baby and pretty much 0 clue as to what to do next. But we figured it out.
Like every new parent, I was sleep deprived AF (even though Maya was a gun sleeper from the very start and trust me, I know it can be a lot worse) and had no idea how I would get through the next day on such little sleep. But I did, no worries.
Like every newly single human, I had no idea if I would be ok. But I was…actually, I was better in every way.
Like every person, I hadn’t a clue what the future would hold. It was up and down, hell and back, heaven and back. The ride has been wild, but I’ve survived every time.
You got this, you’ve always had this… don’t forget that.
Be Humble (bitch, sit down)
For a large part of the year, I lied to my friends and family…saying I was ok when I wasn’t. Maybe because I wanted everything to be perfect and it wasn’t. Maybe I was terrified of just how I was dealing with it. Maybe I was actually just in denial. Who knows. Now we have all heard ‘the truth will set you free’, but 2017 has proved to be the profound relativity of this statement.
Tell your friends you are falling apart, we all do sometimes, they will help you!
If you fuck up, tell the truth. It will fix itself exactly as it’s supposed to and wont drag out and blow up in your face 10-fold later. Everybody fucks up.
Nothing is ever perfect…and everybody has their thing. Being honest and humble about the dirty laundry is endearing, it makes you human.
I don’t really practice gratitude enough (in the name of being honest). I am a seeker, always looking for something new and exciting and I don’t ever want to change that, but sometimes, it is a good thing to step back and be grateful for what you have right now. In an instant, for better and for worse, that can all change.
So thank you, 2017. You have been a lesson and a half in humanism…that I for one, will never forget