So I have been a little quiet on here this year. Sorry about that. But trust me, it’s been a great thing!
I actually needed a mother-load of time-out to enjoy my own company (and as always, Maya’s too of course!) after realising the hard way, yet again that not all nice guys are actually nice guys. On the plus side though, the signs were there and instead of ignoring them and pursuing a sinking ship, I had a bit of a laugh and let them go on their merry way.
Maybe it’s an achievement, being more cluey about people as I get to know them, but to be honest, I have always been the kind of girl that gives anyone the time of day and the benefit of doubt…and now if I have any doubt at all, I am out of there faster than a toupe in a hurricane. In saying that though, that begs me to question…Am I wising up to being walked over and acting in self-preservation or am I bitter, twisted & loosing something I always kind of liked about myself?
And I would love to say that I was wrong about either one of them, but I wasn’t.
Ladies, if he goes away and doesn’t contact you during that time, do not be there when he gets back. If he is saving your Snapchat selfies, he definitely is saving 20 other girls too…and may inadvertently show them to you trying to find an image of a piece of artwork he’s purchased, most of whom got a fair whack more that just the cheeks on their face in the shot (hindsight: seriously though? Am I 12?)…. and if he somehow makes his way under your dress, no matter how gentlemanly and lovely it seemed, he probably got exactly what he wanted and you’ll never see him again.
I swear I don’t love fuckboys, but my god they love me
So, what does this big adult do with the aforementioned insight and information?
Join Tinder of course! (sorry mum).
What could POSSIBLY go wrong?!
Now it has struck me profoundly the gaping hole in gender equality when it comes to being a single parent on Tinder…single dads seem endearing, whilst single mums seem to be some kind of liability…so I felt it best, rather that ‘dropping the baby bomb’ in a direct message to EVERY individual I match with or putting a photo of my baby on a platform where people tend to gravitate for sex, I decided to go right out there and say it. In the old ‘About Me’ section, ‘I am a proud Mamma to one, so if that erks you in any way, I suggest you swipe left my friend!’.
There. No false pretences. No baby bombs. And hopefully, no poor unsuspecting males looking for a sweet, uncomplicated hook-up.
Now amidst the potential suitors I developed a few ground rules for myself…
1- If there is an ab pic : NOPE
2- If there is a dickpic : ABSOLUTELY NOPE
3- If they open the conversation with a GIF, a bad pick-up line or a winky face : NOPE
4- If they are pictured with a ciggie, anything that makes me fear the future of humanity or have poorly cropped an ex out of a photo : NOPE
5- If they are under the age of 27 : NOPE
Basically, I have created my own Tinder Bingo! Drink every time you see one of the above ‘nopes’.
Or don’t because they are everywhere and you’ll wind up shitfaced.
Now, I know the premise of the app…I get it. And feel free to judge me all you like and say that thing like ‘you wont find no knights in shining armour on there, just a whole bunch of HPV and other assorted venereal diseases’… But as a working single mum in a small city, my odds of meeting someone who:
A- I have not dated before
B- Isn’t a fuckboy
C- Hasn’t dated or had sex with one of my friends
D- Isn’t commitmentphobic, childrenphobic, communicationphobic, pastaphobic,
E- Isn’t one of the many people I have friend-zoned in the past or
F- Isn’t a complete wanker
are slim to none.
So here it goes, Tinder. Show me what you got!
Wish me luck, pray for Mojo, whatever it is you do. Good lord, just let one be normal…